my brains spilled onto a page / updated sometimes / there is nothing profound here

summer air073026

i haven't been in a writing mood as of late.

the heat of the summer is hot on the parts of my skin i choose to expose. because of this, and the fact there is little to do, i spend most of my days inside. i don't do much. i beat myself up over it.

a few weeks before this...middle of june. i hop in a car with suitcase and pajamas. with melancholy and a cooler with drinks. my family is heading across the american west. i have aspired to see it's sights for a long time.

first we drive through to kansas. i liked kansas. it was quiet. it was the state in which no one had a name. the only things that made noise were the cattle and horses. i find cattle to understand me more than humans anyway. the sun set and i sat thinking about life and death. that is what i tend to do when i am met with silence.

then it was down a bit. through colorado. you know, they have a saying for people like me. flatlanders, i think it was. the type that are amazed to see the tall rockies, in all their might, because they know nothing but grassland. i am a flatlander. all i know is the midwest. from there we went down to utah, where the sand was red and i suffered paranoid visions of death. it was miserably hot. but it was dry, at least. and with the desert heat comes the fun of swimming in tight clothes, at least around my chest. that is something i don't mind. the public seeing my shoulders and all.

then it was down a little more, to the grand canyon. unlike the arches of utah i found rather underwhelming, i found the grand canyon to live up to it's namesake, if even "grand" was not an understatement. there was no end to it. in front, to the side, or down. if one were to fall down there i imagined they'd keep falling for minutes.

throughout most of this it was napping, or scrolling, or texting. i expected something more introspectful. the only big realization i had was that i find it hard to have my typical thoughts of self pity when everything is moving so fast. i don't mind it. i miss it, really.

then we were in hollywood. or. in the city it lives in. that is a convuluded way of saying los angeles. it was everything happening at once. too much on my ears. the gift shops and the business men in suits and the novelty foods. there was a moment of quiet in that city. the musuem of jurassic technology. it was a musuem of musuems. a dedication to when fact wasn't as concrete. it was a labyrinth of old remedies and trailer park artifacts. i found some peace in there.

then we headed back up, towards washington, stopping in oregon. by the beach. it was cold, and dreary. with albatross and crab legs. with signs telling of bigfoot. i like the cold and dreary i think. good for sleeping in.

we reached washington. it was a day in the woods, and then a day in seattle. the woods were quiet. the expected peaceful feeling came with it. we kayaked at night with strangers. where the water glowed with movement. with the snort of some kind of animal, dipping it's head out of the water. curious. from there it was a ferry to the actual city. i wouldn't mind living in it. i felt a little less alienated.

from there we were going back home. first was the longest stop. yellowstone.

we stayed in a ranch outside of the park itself. the people were sad and tired. the bathroom had bedbugs. the pancakes were good, though. and they had cattle. i like cattle.

most of those days were spent in yellowstone itself, anyway. it was very pretty. we saw bison. plenty of bison. and they stared back. uncaring.

now i am back home. and i am tired and lazy. i hear the word of school more and more as it approaches. i find my feelings on it hard to understand, but i find the routine will likely bring me out of this slight madness i find myself in. i find it will be easy, and i find i can relax a little.

well. goodnight, then. i love you.

biography052126

my name is andrew. no last name, sorry.

i am an adolescent boy. the average type. i get bad grades sometimes and i feel bad. i have nice friends. i masturbate when i feel lonely. normal things.

i get tests sometimes and i do well on them.

my friends tell me nice things about myself

i find them hard to believe.

i feel ok today.

i listen to melancholy music. it makes the things inside my head feel a bit less strange.

i go to a phsychiatrist who gives me various medications. they make me feel a bit better.

i am told my differences are a good thing. the system simply does not like me. maybe that is true, but everything revolves around the system, it would seem.

i am antisocial. i don't like people much. not that they are bad or anything. i am a human being like the rest of them.

i think other people like me. and i appreciate it. but i don't like talking much.

i don't know if i am average, really. none of us are average. i don't think that is a real thing.

the artist's dilemma050326

it is often i feel very untalented and a bit worthless.

i am told that this is the artist's dilemma. and yeah. i believe that is a nice way to put it. if you attempt to make something out of nothing there will always be this kind of dissonance, i think. between all of these great ideas that you have, that are there, but are seemingly implausable to put into any sort of physical medium.

there are always a lot of these ideas circling my head at once. some are frankly miserable and anxious; wether i will end up in some office job, dissatisfied, which begs the question in of itself why that is not enough: a lot of it is simply drabble. but i still have an inherent desire, a drive to get these things, these ideas out while they are still vivid. and it is a pain in the ass because i do not know how, or atleast how in a way that will satisfy this hunger. it is demanding. nothing is ever good enough.

i've never been very good with words. i like music because of that, as a whole. music kind of. communicates these feelings, experiences, memories, ideas, all in to one, and it's somewhat different for each person who hears it; it is the most,,, physical way to put these things, to get them out. it is an escape. an expulsion of all the shit in your head. and i like that, i think. but you can't seem to get there.

i don't know. i feel behind, really. behind in a world of fast moving things and telephone communications and an endless rush, it would seem. i like taking my time to think, but there is no time for that. i'm just ok at art. i've only just started with music and you want to be this prodigy but you aren't. and it's hard. because, will you even get anywhere? isn't it all just a gamble, anyway? why did you have to be this way, this melting pot of everything at once and keeping it in isn't enough for you? and yet you can't do anything. you're paralyzed because it's never quite enough. it's never enough so why even bother.

i am told that the very best artists hate their work. maybe i am condemned to this perpetual loop of it not being good enough. depression will do that. i think i have the mind for it, but i can't seem to apply myself. i am paralyzed.

well. back to being trained to manufacture boxes, or whatever i might be doing. capitalism breeds innovation, doesn't it?

windy city050226

i'm tired.

this isn't really my typical philosophical type thing. just a life update. came back from a 3 day trip to chicago with my schoolmates. it was. boring. boring frankly. socializing with just. nothing. just empty words.

i was sick the first day. food poisioning. there was this terrible nausea the whole 6 hour drive or so. i puked 3 times. i now don't mind the feeling of throwing up anymore. i'm ok now though. just needed some rest.

the second day i tagged along with my peers. people are very strange. well. i'm the strange one. i think we are all strange, infact. point is, i don't get along too well. it's tiring. yeah. it's tiring. we saw the navy pier and the planetarium. and went on a boat tour. dave and busters for dinner; that was fun. and then with my dad we went to that hotdog place where they cuss you out. he was there, too. thank god.

then we went to the griffin museum and drove home. i was up very late, especially considering the time zone change. so i woke up at about 1 today. that's about it, really.

there was this neat exhibit. "the blue paradox". a rather...cynical look at the plastic crisis and how it's our all fault and how we will inevitably die. maybe i'll start the communist revolution to stop it (and die before it all happens over again). maybe i will just watch the world burn. anyway. my point is that i'm going to see motion picture house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's this kind of. exhibit thing by radiohead focusing on the art of kid a and amnesiac. i am very autistic about that sort of thing. anyway, how the two relate is they're probably going to be these kind of immersive sensory things......it was a taste of it, anyway. and it's very very exciting. it's autism heaven, essentially. may 31st in brooklyn. there will be a seperate entry about it.

um. i've been very horny as of late. sort of chronically. such is the life of a teenage boy, i suppose. if you don't want to hear about that. that's a shame. maybe don't read this blog of personal things. i am aroace, i don't really want a real relationship, but sometimes i guess you must milk the cobra. ew. well. when i do experience any sort of romantic or sexual feelings i've realized they can be towards man or woman. so i'm technically gay or whatever. who cares? you are going to have these feelings and you need some kind of outlet for them. mine has been drawing. art. i won't disclose whom of. alright. that's all. goodbye.

the future and the present041826

hm. i need to stop writing at night.

it's obvious i'm rather young. i think i hold myself to too high a standard. i'm reeling from thoughts that i'm some kind of coward and that i'm in denial of sorts. i don't think i am, though. i think i'm still healing, just on a deeper level. and that takes time.

my head is like a labyrinth of it's own. my mood is always flucuating. i don't think my brain is exactly eating itself...it's more trying to repair these holes that were punched into it. point is, i don't know if i'm really sad deep down or if i just get sad sometimes. i will never delete an entry because we cannot take back what we put out but....you get the point. the animals do not worry about these things. yeah! i like that. i like that way of putting it because it is true. the polar bears sleep and eat and that is about it. and the monkeys climb trees and play with eachother. they might feel sad sometimes. but they do not worry if they are sad deep down. i think the big ultra intelligent man has a lot to learn from the other animals.

as this school year closes i am thinking about the next. looking at private schools. it's odd. i was never going to be a private school kid. my family is not rich, not at all. we are relying on financial aid. i feel spoiled for even feeling bad about it. well. theres one i really want to go to, and i got accepted, but no financial aid. i live far away. i am not enough. and i got accepted into another one,, and it's fine...it's fine. yeah. but you are presented with the best and you envy it because you are so close. you want a fairytale and....it to be good. not fantastical, that is a bitter way to look at it, but just nice. you want nice things. and you can get them, you just don't have the green paper. how fucking stupid. they could always change their mind though. that is what i'm looking for. objectively i have good luck. things have a tendency to go good for me. doesn't mean i expect everything to be perfect. but i appreciate how much i get; i think it will all work out, even if it looks very different from what was expected. is luck even real? i don't know. i'm happy with what has happened to me, though.

school always moves into thinking about the greater future. i want to pursue music, and art....actually, i don't know what i want, and i don't think i need to. i don't dream of working. that will remain regardless. i don't dream of a 9/5, but if the passion is there, then that becomes void. currently, i simply have a passion for creating, for screaming out my feelings and shit, and hopefully helping other people in the process. that and like, staring out at trees and animals. i like that too.

this summer i will go away for a while. a two week trek out west. i think i will use that time to read and think. i'm not going to scroll much or anything of that sort. not to say i won't use devices, but i don't want to keep myself in this loop of pretending i'm incapable because i'm oh so sad. i just need inspiration and will. i don't believe in spiritual healing or any of that shit but that is...honestly the best way to put it. i want to go away for a while. not from people; humans are social by nature. just infastructure. but yeah. i'm ok! i'm surviving and eating. and i think that's what we really need.

i think it's a dangerous thing to not have hope.

ourobouros041826

this is not something i want to write. i don't know why i am. well, i do, but...it's odd. i don't have to actually do anything but i have to. i have to confront myself in some form, in some medium that isn't inside of my own head. for a while i've been pretending i've recovered. from depression and hatred and all of those bad things. but i haven't. you think you've confronted the hard truths, and then there's another one.

i think i have cptsd

i feel like the weakest man in the world admitting that. it's pathetic, really. but to truly change, to heal, you need to push these things aside, these societal expectations. i must write this because it is the first step in actually getting better.

i don't think much anymore at all. there's a kind of black hole in my cranium that eats everything around it. i can't remember anything anymore. i can't write or draw. all i do is sleep and have nightmares about these things. i can't continue like this, and distract myself, and pretend i've truly gotten better. i'm not sad anymore but i am not happy.

for about a year everyone around me hated me. i was touched and prodded and picked and jeered and kicked to the ground like fucking cattle. and people smiled around me treating me like a dog. like a stupid dog. every day, i was taunted about my secrets, about things i wanted to hide, that i am so afraid of getting out i won't even share here. they are not shameful acts i have done, but fundemental things, inherentily harmless things, that i am apparently wrong for possessing. like some kind of parasite. and all i could do was cry in frustration, and beg to leave. so i cried. and it didn't do anything. i don't want to talk about this time anymore. it has eaten itself away.

then there was after. and i was alone. and i wallowed in my own pity. i couldn't get out of bed. i had become a different person. a person who is insecure, paranoid...afraid of everyone and what they might do. a people pleaser. i can't trust anyone anymore. i am afraid. i am so afraid. i am so afraid that i cannot do anything. my passion is there but it is only a flicker. it is a snake eating it's own tail. i do the same things every day. and again. and even though i'm on these medications, i'm still pathetic and sad. i just don't wallow anymore. i just deal with it. i forget about it. lock it away. it's not good for me. it is eating me alive. and i must change this before i am empty.

this ranting is all frankly dramatic and overdone. but all of these things that i have just spilled are very raw and angry and intense in nature. when you release all of that loathing it is taken out of you. and you feel a little lighter. and i am happy. because this is the best, most true thing i have written in a while.

i see my therapist soon. and i will stop running in circles now. you won't get better on your own

stuff 083125

an old depressed thing i wrote in my notes. i still feel like this somewhat. but i'm ok now.

i feel like / i feel that no matter where i go / i can never seem to find " my people . / just chattering faces / they don't say anythingatall / that matters, at least / i don't get along with them / not their fault / i'm not special or different / they're still people, with hopes of their own / they just hide those things / and i'm / i'm just. /

dark places 041226

i've been going back to old places recently. relics of another time. our heads are always shifting, and i'm no exception. it's always a puzzle in there, with the pieces being constantly rearranged, but you're always missing one. and you can never get it back.

it's a shameful non- secret that for the past year i hated myself and the universe and everything around me. everybody around me hated me too, and it sunk deep into me. it's odd. i've never been a very social person. and yet it was the worst feeling in the world, when you are the butt of the joke. when you are the small thing in the corner. out of place. my house burnt down and even where i slept was misplaced. that's what i was. misplaced. eventually i moved back into my home, where i belonged, and those people were away from me.

nothing really changed.

and it didn't, for a while. they tell you there will be a kind of profound moment, where all of your depressed poetry you'd been writing in your notes would amount to something, or you'd have this miraculous revalation and it would all sink back away. but that moment never comes, and you simply drift farther and farther off. i think that depression is like any other wound. first it is fresh and deep, and eventually it will scab over. but the scab itches like hell, and scratching that itch only digs the wound deeper. all you can do is wait. and it will eventually fade.

i got put on prozac, and these feelings have went dormant since. but i still get sad at night sometimes. that's why i'm writing this.

this isn't to really say i'm still depressed or something of the sort. i smile now because i am happy. and i laugh because in that moment life is a joy: something hilarious, something worth a chuckle and the feeble wheezing. but i do wonder if i've healed or if i'm simply distracted. do these things ever really heal?

still. i wish everyone who has experienced the same, or who is currently, joy. and a smile and a hug and everything good rushing back. i do believe it gets better. maybe not in the ways we expect.

last spacehey entry 040226

hello again. err... i've been fine. fine enough. life is good now. perhaps a bit boring. spring has (actually come). i am still sleeping a lot. i think i need more vitamin d. that will resolve itself as the sun shines. i was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactive disorder. got put on medications for it. i've always had these feelings of worthlessness. that i am capable of things but i simply don't. never know why. perhaps i need these medications. i will atleast take them for focus, like playing the guitar. so i don't throw it at the wall i want to draw. i want to sleep. i don't really want to write right now, but i will forget if i don't. not much going on to ramble about. i'm going to chicago at the end of the month with all of my classmates. hooray. people. i've never been much a...people...person. peculiar things we are. i've always felt like a sort of outsider. i know a lot of people feel that way. been getting into music again. it's a...sort of magical thing. that's a cliche way to put it. the point of music, in my mind, is to communicate these feelings, like most art...these things inside of your head that can't go elsewhere. i've never been very good at putting feelings to words. music is different from that. you do not owe grammar, or sense, or really anything. that's nice, you know? you need to get all of the sadness and the profoundness and all the humanity out. you need to escape. yeah. been watching some old interviews of thom yorke. what a man he was... not in that way. well. call it a man crush. he seems cool and such. helps me understand certain bits and pieces of myself. we are all so different and yet so similar. whatever.. he makes great music. i'll never meet him. though... i've been working on my own website. hooray . it's made for desktops. i want to go back to before everything was perfect freshly painted houses with white picket fences. mnesia.neocities.org. i'll be moving this " blog " to there eventually. kind of obsessed with the minotaur of greek mythology. i've always liked that idea, i think. the bulls head inside of this labyrinth. there is nothing here. nothing at all. only crying and screaming of the damned. school has been...school. frankly it's been fucking boring. what is there to talk about? it's a whirlwind. it's shit. it's bullshit shit shit shit. ok. i'm a bit tired. you can tell because none of this makes sense at all. umm. goodnight, love you : ) be back sometime, sometime...

current events 031726

it's already been nearly another month, hasn't it? time seems to fly. i'm really bad about consistency, if you hadn't noticed. winter has yet to let up. it'll be warm here and there, and then the snow returns. it's dreadful. but i like the snow. it's pretty. haven't had much to do or think about. went through working at the barn and my dad's firm for a few days. the barn was nice. i can see myself in that life, there. it's simple. i understand the trees and the animals and the wind rushing past me. there's no electronic humming or hustle there. i can't romanticize it too much, though. half of it was just shoveling horse shit. but i don't mind it. i was sick the first day i was supposed to be at my dad's firm. the other two were fine. sat in on calls, wrote a complaint. i like my dad. we're good friends. we're similar people: after all, i get half of my genes from him. now i'm on spring break. i've just been sitting on my ass like a bum all day. it's ok though. that's what breaks are for. actually, i've already just been on sort of a vacation. there was a bad wind storm where i live. took out a lot of trees, and then powerlines. nearly every local business and house was out of power, including my own. the electricians were saying it might take a day, so my dad booked a cheap room out in the big city. about a 2 hour drive. went to the zoo. i like the zoo (when it's ethical, at least). i like species asides from my own more sometimes. saw grizzly bears sleeping up close to the glass. it was mesmerizing, feet away from something that could rip me to shrapnel. and yet so adorable, so precious. like a stuffed animal to cuddle with. the big city is neat. we didn't really go downtown. pardon my vagueness about where i live, but i'm paranoid about that sort of thing. i get it from my mother, that endless anxiety. i've started anew online. abandoned old things i wasn't proud of. saying hello to people again. cleaning up my act. i know it's truly not that serious, but i want to be responsible about that. i want to be a person. drawing my dumb little band mascots, as always. created an entire story around these drawings, with no real "lore" behind them. it's the fucking radiohead bear. there's no story. i'm just pulling things out of my ass. but go to my toyhouse if you want to see that. this place is for the real world. speaking of radiohead, ed o brien has announced a new album, along with it's first single. it is absolutely amazing. i love it, and i think this shows a sort of hope for radiohead if they decide to make more music. been watching the pitt, season 2. every thursday, with my family. i frankly prefer the first season, but it's still quite good. i've sort of fixated on oglivie. i see the kind of worst of myself in him. we're both awkward, sometimes unempathetic, perhaps have a need to impress, show we're smart. that's just called being an autistic dude, i suppose. i guess the difference between me and him is that i'm somewhat aware of these flaws in myself. whatever. you get the point. that's all. i don't want to go back to school. and have to talk to people for 7 hours. it'll be ok, though: summer is soon. goodbye. goodnight. see you sometime soon.

hello again 022926

hello. long time no see : ) this winter has been dreadful. perhaps not exactly dreadful, in fact i love the winter, but this dreary weather has gone on far too long.. now comes spring. spring is a time of change. the animals are coming out of their burrows now. now i can finally see my horses again. they are my pride and joy in this short life, other animals. soon school will be out, and i can finally rest. i'm sure it's frankly obvious i'm doing better mentally. i take things a day at a time. recently i got a bad haircut, but i'm finding it hard to care. these winter months have been a time of thought, of self discovery. i think i see things differently now. i 've found school to be exhausting. talking to people, even those i like, for 7 hours straight is miserable for me. i've never understood people much; but, it's alright. i have friends. good ones. decent people. even the least social need friends. lots of things have happened. duh. i went to florida. rode roller coasters and saw palm trees. saw the ocean. these are unusual sights for me. halloween i dressed as bojack horseman. very good show, but this entry would be pages long if i went on about that.. christmas was good. received "i might be wrong" (the ep) on cd. also some horse books. i like horses. they call me ponyboy. i saw nine inch nails after that. very fun. i need some excitement in my life. an opportunity to scream. don't we all? i'm starting to stall at what else has really been happening. i'll be interning at the barn (and a law firm) soon. i get the week off school for it. that's my concern. i frankly don't know who i'm writing this to. nobody reads these. it's not exactly therapeutic, either. call it an impulse. goodbye. i'll be back soon.

digital diary 4 101425

hello. it's been about a month, once again. i haven't been busy, i just can never seem to remind myself to write these things. sorry. most of my days are spent at school, and nothing's really going on there. my friends are starting to look like assholes to me. they're the obnoxious type. and i just go along with it, because i'm afraid of being alone again. i'm no better than a fucking dog. and yet, at the same time, i can't complain. could be getting kicked around by everyone again. take what you can get, and can your shit. classes are boring. just typical school blabbering. i'm doing fine grade wise. i've stopped following the stupid dress code pretty much completely, like everyone else. it's nice, because i can finally feel comfortable again, instead of wearing super tight pants and collared shirts. i've had my phone (almost) taken 2 times now. i'm in a state that's banned phones, or at least will in january. one of those times was after school, because i needed to call my dad. it's bullshit, but whatever... some kids have a crush on me. i think. i've brought this up before, but now they're actual people rather than just vague ideas of a person. i have no interest in dating. i can't even fathom that people like me that way. i'm flattered, nonetheless. you get the idea. i don't want to get into it too much. i'm going to florida. october 18th-27th. i'm really, really, really excited about the whole thing (naturally) and i can't thank my parents enough. i can never seem to express these feelings properly, but i hope my parents know that i am. my family doesn't travel that far very often (we live up north), but we have some extra insurance money this year. we're going to universal studios, and then to jacksonville to see the beach. i'm done bragging now. i got my hair cut. just a trim. got it cut too short, and it kind of looks like shit. i don't mind too much, it'll grow out. just stuck wearing hats until then, but it doesn't need to grow out much anyway. i got this beanie, and now i look like jesse pinkman. got to leave school early to go get it cut, though, so i can't complain too much. that's all i can think of. i'm too tired to think of anything right now. goodnight.

digital diary 3 092825

it's been about a month. school has had me busy.sorry about that. anyway: i feel ok. i've been on prozac to help my depression. low dosage. i'm not miserable anymore. but i can't really think of anything much at all...life just passes me by and i never know how to feel aboutit. really, i just feel fine.maybe that's normal.i'm just not used to it.it's always one way or the other for me. radiohead's going on tour.incase you haven't seen my profile or anything, they're my special interest. it's only in europe.i thought something like that happening would make me overjoyed, but i don't know.i just can't seem to feel anything about it. i hope they come to america,at least. the best way i can describe how i feel is that song, "in limbo". i'm stuck in my head all the time. thinking about when i'm somewhere far, far away. anyway.i'm back in school. not getting shoved into lockers or anything anymore. it's alright. if anything, it's fucking boring. i made some friends. they're nice. i feel like i have to put on a face in front of them, though, and it's driving me mad.i never know what to say or do. maybe that'll get better as time passes. my teachers are good.my biology teacher is abit strict, but she has good intentions.my history teacher is much the same. he also has really good taste in music.he talks about it a bunch with me and other students. he told me he went to see radiohead live, back in 2008.that's cool.math is probably my favorite class.my teacher is really young, so he's not crabby like a lot of them are. it's also really quite an easy class.he asked me the other day what my favorite radiohead album is, and talked a bit about kid a. cool guy. otherwise school has been really redundant. not much to talk about.just running in circles all day. i have nothing to complain about.i get good grades and all. i'm worried about how i look alot nowadays.my stomach n shit. that's a bit personal. but it's on my mind a lot. i have to force myself to do other things so i forget about it. i really don't like myself much at all, and i don't know why. i'm rewatching bojack horseman with my father. i owe a lot to that show.it helps me a lot. every night we watch an episode, and i feel a little bit better. we also watched some episodes of black mirror last night. "the national anthem". i chose it off of the title alone.it was very odd. watch it yourself if you want to know why. or look it up. the second one we watched was "beyond the sea". it was very melancholic. i don't want to spoil it, but i enjoyed it. i cleaned the house today. i don't know why. i do that sometimes for no apparent reason.my parents are happy about it. that's nice. part of that involved sorting through my clothes. there was a lot of old shit that didn't fit me, so i handed a bunch over to my sister to look through.last school year i bought a bunch of tight fitting shit for the worst kind of validation, because i was getting bullied a ton.i don't know what i was thinking. she poked a lot of fun at it. can't say i blame her. it hurt me, though, for some reason. i don't know why. i feel really weak because of it. it shouldn't be a big deal. it shouldn't. sorting through all my belongings made me think i'm a typical teenage boy. i really am. i have a bunch of comic books and shit. all these music posters. a bunch of vinyls and cds. and my guitar. i think to anyone that goes in there it's really obvious i really like music... i've still been self reflecting. i personify all the bad parts of me in my art a lot, because that's really how i feel about it. all the worst in me is constantly standing over my shoulder. sometimes i can ignore it. sometimes i can't. it's a part of me either way, and i don't like that. my grandfather died, recently. from how sudden that was it may be obvious i wasn't particularly close to him. i still feel really off about it. i'd been hearing the days before how he'd been having heart issues, and then one day he died in his sleep. regardless of if i knew him or not, he still lived an entire life of his own. that's no insane revelation or anything, but my brain still finds it hard to process. i'm going to his funeral, way up in buffalo, in 2 weeks or so. i live a couple hours away. i don't know how to feel about it. i'm mostly just going up there, and by extension the rest of my family, to comfort my grandmother. so i'm going on a roadtrip. not the happy kind. my birthday's also coming up. october 10th. 10/10. 10 is my lucky number. "in rainbows" also came out on october 10th. it's like my birthday album. i don't want too much this year. what i really have been asking my parents for is an electric guitar. they're expensive anyway, so that's enough for me. it would be amazing. i might be going somewhere for my birthday. i never do that kind of thing. my family has some extra money from insurance, from when my house burnt down last year. it's a lot to explain, so i won't get into it. the point is, i'm excited if i do end up going anywhere. not much else going on. i'll be ok. that's the best way to sum up everything in my head. i'll be alright. goodnight.

digital diary 2 083025

things have been ok. today me and my grandmother went to the mall. it was lovely..my grandma is a sweetheart (although she has spoiled me a bit). we mostly browsed around but i did buy a copy of "catcher in the rye". i haven't quite finished it, but it's a very good book so far.looked for cds/vinyls at fye, but they didn't have much at all.i had a great time. i've been thinking about school a lot.i'm very anxious about it. went supply shopping (which was very boring)...also went to this orientation event. i met some of my teachers.they seem nice. the building itself is this old factory...it's made of bricks, four stories tall.i'm on the fourth floor. i suppose some exercise won't hurt. they don't have classrooms or anything either. just tables. it's odd. afraid i made a bad first impression, since my parents made me rather irritated (it wasn't really their fault)... at dinner, my friend texted me something rather harrowing.it was a screenshot of one of her friends calling me attractive.it's not really a big deal, but i've never really had someone feel that way about me. i don't like people that way, and i don't like the idea of having to explain that. made me feel a bit more confident, at least.i hope no drama arises from it. thank you for the nice comments last time, i appreciate it a lot. i'm tired of typing..goodnight

digital diary 1 081325

i can't think of a sentence to introduce this..i think the title explains it well enough. hopefully i'll make an entry every week or so. my summer has been rather busy. going places. sleeping in shitty beds. it can be exhausting but i much prefer that over doing nothing all day.i thought getting out of school would make me feel better, but i still feel depressed. i got put on prozac, in fact. mixed feelings about that. the heat here is horrible. weather is bipolar (it's like that everywhere in the US, though). i really only have one outfit that i wear (black shirt and sweatpants)...i will always prefer winter over summer. christmas makes me happy. been thinking about if i'm a good person a lot. worried that i've hurt people and forgotten completely.that i never realized i hurt them in the first place. i don't want to hurt people. i idolize people and then see them being called things like arrogant, and worry that applies to me as well. ...i think i overthink far too much. i can't think of much else that's happened in this past week.went camping, but that was a while back. i'm getting tired of typing, anyway. watched superman yesterday (the new one).it was great. big allegory for the israel and palestine conflict...that scene where superman yells about how people were going to die, regardless of how he illegally entered airspace or whatever really stuck with me.all these rich people telling you that it's wrong to not support genocide.billions of dollars going to israel. anyways; enough of that.i'm glad we're abandoning the "evil superhero" trope... i really liked mr.terrific and how he always looked slightly annoyed. how everyone's human (and by extension far from perfect) and that's okay. good film. i was going to wake up early today to see this planet alignment thing i've seen online.my alarm didn't go off, though, so i slept in. went to a fancy restaurant today for brunch.i don't really like rich people (or their food) but it was still a treat.i don't get to go to places like that often. had to wear a collared shirt and such..no big deal, but the shoes i was in were so tight i thought my toes were going to lose circulation. ate until i nearly puked. good times. since then haven't done much else. i start school soon. it's a new school, out in the city. there's this girl i used to be good friends with in kindergarten, until i moved. she goes to said school now, so i suppose in a way we're reuniting. anyway, i'm a bit nervous about school and such. might get bullied. might not. i'd like to think i'm above all of that, but i tend to let things like that get to me. hopefully they don't stone me to death or anything. i'm tired of writing.goodnight.